Ever Want To Fuck One Of Your Friends?

I do. I want to fuck him so hard that he never thinks about fantasy football again. I want him to need therapy after the dicking I throw down his team’s throat. I hope after months of struggle he makes a full recovery only to be visited by my fantasy football shlong in his nightmares and slip back into his rightful place as the Reek of our league…

Ok that may be a little extreme, but I do hope my team takes a shit on his chest.

I’ve been in a fantasy football league with my buddies from college since 2015. It’s a pretty competitive league and we get together once a year to do a destination draft. This weekend of debauchery is our excuse to relive college and then proceed to regret drinking for the next month. God I hate being an adult. One guy in the league is my arch nemesis. Think Stark to Lannister or grammatically correct English to Sylvester Stallone. I want to kill him, but at the same time he gives my meaningless FF life purpose. Outside of fantasy football he is probably one of the coolest guys on the planet, but since we live in a little football bubble from September to February I get to spend half my year hoping he goes 0-13, or does something idiotic like drafting Marshawn Lynch in the second round.

The problem with said friend is that he thinks he’s better than me. To be fair everyone in our league thinks they’re the best and talks shit, but this guy is a truly special kind of asshole in that he backs it up… Don’t get me wrong, I’m usually the top dog (“even though my name isn’t on the trophy”-SB) and live life with the mindset that jealousy is a female trait, thanks HOVA. However, this past year was different and I straight up turned into Bitch Boy Dex. I missed the playoffs for the first time and this inbred Lannister motherfucker managed to sacrifice enough chickens to win our league. Like Little Finger conniving his way closer to the throne, I watched as our trophy slipped away into the fiery depths of hell.

However, this may have been a blessing in disguise. No one talks shit like this individual and he’s lit a fire inside of me that I haven’t felt since puberty. I was flat out complacent these past few seasons. Honestly, it was a walk in the park with these guys and I started to feel bad for them. However, letting down my guard just a little proved to be my demise. Every time I picture him holding that trophy a small part of me dies, but mark my words; through the ashes I shall rise a victor.

So lube up boys, cause Papa Dex is coming for ya.

-Dex