One Year later…
The cold weather had started to dissipate into the AZ sun and that meant only one thing, the Waste Management Open was upon us. I decided to text my long lost love from the previous year’s tournament,
“So are we doing anything special for our one year anniversary? It’s kind of a big deal.”
I know, I’m about as smooth as Ex-lax.. but somehow that shit worked and we started talking again. The game plan was to rendezvous at the Open, but it’s the literal definition of a shit show so suffice it to say we never met up. But my libido wouldn’t be defeated this time around, so I managed to conjure up some drunken witt and ask her out on a good ol’ fashioned date (which may seem like a foreign fucking concept to you Netflix and Chillers). Luckily my roommates girlfriend is a world class social media stalker and somehow found a restaurant that my date had been wanting to try. Honestly, I don’t know how the fuck she does it, I can’t even find matching socks.
The day of our date I decide to hit the gym before work and get a nice little pump going. Chest and bis only baby! After work I headed home to get ready for what I hoped would be a successful evening. In an enthusiastic and celebratory manner I decided to have a shower beer (drink #1) to lube the tubes before heading out.
Drink count is very important for the remainder of this story…
Keep in mind this was effectively a blind date considering that I knew very little about my Ace in the hole, except from what my roommate’s GF gathered during her ‘research’. I picked her up (also a foreign concept for you fuckers) and once we were settled in I hit her with a classic line and asked her what her favorite T-Swift song was (I love Taylor Swift and Tear Drops on My Guitar is my choice every goddamn time). She didn’t find this as entertaining as I had hoped, but nevertheless I persisted on. At the restaurant we ordered some red wine (drink #2) and that helped loosen things up a bit. However, my phone was buzzing non-stop, so worried that it was an emergency I decided to check it. Low and behold my degenerate group of college friends were in town and happen to be two blocks away from us. She proceeded to ask what was going on and I told her that my friends were out drinking in the area. Lucky for me (or so I thought), she had some friends out drinking in the area too. So after we finished a few more glasses of wine, (drinks #3 and #4) we proceed to go out to the bars and find the pathetic excuse of human beings I refer to as friends.
We met up with my group first and stayed for a beer (drink #5). Now, although I hate my friends I can’t deny that they’re some of the best people alive and they treated her like one of their own. After our drink we decided to go see her friends. At this point I’ve switched from red wine to IPA’s because I am a smart man,
“Dex in fact is not a smart man”-anyone who knows me.
The night goes on and I’m feeling good, so I throw back a few more (drinks #6 and #7). Midnight is rolling in and her friends decide they want to go to a bar with an extremely long line, which doesn’t bode well unless you have vagina, which contrary to popular belief, I do not. So I tell her I’m gonna meet up with my buddies while her and her friends go to the next place.
As soon as my boys see me they order a round of shots and then another round for good measure with some beer to help it go down smooth (drinks #8-10). I gotta be honest, it felt a lot like watching a highly questionable porn in the sense that it was great during, but as soon as I was done I felt like piece of shit and needed a shower.. or a priest.
Anyway, on next episode of Sex with Dex, does he go home alone? Will someone be going to the hospital? Does size really matter? Find out on the next installment.
-Dex
Dex Might Know 
I read it.
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