Recap of part 1 & 2. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out 1 year later, boy gets drunk… Also read part 1 & 2 again for shits and giggles.
The clock strikes 1AM and I decide to double fist a light beer and a water figuring there isn’t much difference between the two. Half past 1AM, my lady love wants to meet up. I instantly slam my ‘waters’ (drink #11), leave the lads and stumble my way towards her. We end up closing the next bar down together and slug back a few more beers (drinks #12 and #13). After getting the boot from the bouncers at the bar we grab a taxi back to her place and she graciously invites me in. Popping open a bottle of white wine and we keep the night rolling. For those of you who’ve lost track, I started with a beer at my house, red wine at dinner, IPA’s after, shots of jack next, more IPA’s and ended with (drink #14) white wine at her house. At this point, there’s so much alcohol in my system that my piss could be used as a degreaser, but my little-engine-that-could liver kept us afloat. As the night starts winding down I go in for a kiss and sense some hesitation. She looks at me and says she doesn’t do this with guys on the first date. A common phrase for many girls, but in my inebriated state I honestly believed her. It’s now time to be amazed ladies and gents because the next thing that came out of my mouth was the greatest line of my life.
“I’ve never had a one night stand and I don’t plan on this being my first.”-Dex
This is called peaking in life and I’m not mad about it, also I was telling the truth. Who in their right mind wants to have sex with someone just once? Honestly, I need at least three attempts to make her orgasm once, I’m not a goddamn magician.
So we start making out and I pick her up and take her to her room. It is now 3:00AM people, I think, and Papa Dex is running out of steam. I remember ripping off her clothes and just as things started to get steamy… poof! Nothing like having 5 inches of dick inside of you while the guy sleeps. 6 on a good day.
It’s morning. I am now ass naked while she is fully clothed in her pajamas. “Fuck fuck fuck did I fall asleep during sex? Probably. Why am I naked and she isn’t?” I instantly throw on some clothes, go to the bathroom and have the greatest piss of my life. At least I had that going for me. The devil’s hangover slaughtered any chance of awkwardness. I truly believed God was punishing me for the amount I drank because I didn’t know it was physically possible to feel that terrible and still live. As a true gentleman, I take her to get some breakfast and we go our separate ways. At this juncture I still had a smidgen of hope, thinking things could have been worse; for example, I could of shit in her bed, or killed her cat. Glass half full folks. I even got a text later that day saying how much she enjoyed the date. I suppose unconscious Dex still managed to throw some good dick.
Nope.
I attempted to text her here and there, but essentially Casper couldn’t have done a better job ghosting me. She was actually amazing to talk to and drop-dead gorgeous, they are out there boys. For only going on one date I really enjoyed her company, but apparently falling asleep during sex is a no go. Who would have thought? What kills me the most is that for the rest of her life I’ll be the guy who fell asleep inside her. Who’s truly to blame here: Dex, alcohol, or her? Clearly one of us was on our ‘A’ game while the other was lacking.
Sometimes I still think about my lost unicorn, in the end I just jerk off and everything is good again.
-Dex
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