This is my fantasy football league’s strength of schedule ranking, feel free to quit reading now.
I’m writing this for my fantasy football group to get easy views on my blog. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Dex why would a blog that gives me a mental orgasm every time I read it, need easy views?” Well you’re right I don’t need easy views, but these cunty motherfuckers should be pining at the idea of reading every word I write. In reality, they don’t give a fuck. So I am going to be ranking our upcoming season schedule and posting it on my blog so they can bathe in the bukkake that is my glory.
For this ranking, I decided to compare the previous 3 seasons to see who has the hardest upcoming schedule. To protect everyone’s privacy I have given them special names that only these assholes would know. I used the last three seasons to form a data-driven ranking system (sorry Newbie) and I added my own ranking, because Fuck em’. In all fairness, I made our current Champ the #1 ranked contestant with ME a close second. It was so close that I had to unbutton my pants, pull out a pube hair and measure the difference with that. Lucky bastard!
| Team | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | AVG | Dex Rank |
| 1.Toothless | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2.666667 | 5 |
| 2.Champ | 3 | 5 | 1 | 3 | 1 |
| 3.Lrg Dick | 5 | 6 | 3 | 4.666667 | 3 |
| 4.Dex | 4 | 3 | 7 | 4.666667 | 2 |
| 5.Reddit | 7 | 4 | 5 | 5.333333 | 6 |
| 6.Shit Balls | 8 | 7 | 2 | 5.666667 | 7 |
| 7.Michelle | 1 | 8 | 10 | 6.333333 | 4 |
| 8.Bread | 10 | 1 | 9 | 6.666667 | 9 |
| 9.Owen W | 6 | 10 | 6 | 7.333333 | 8 |
| 10.Newbie | 9 | 9 | 8 | 8.666667 | 10 |
*Far left column in data ranking, far right column is Dex Ranking
My ranking is decently close to what the stats have it as. Toothless year in and year out is in the running during the playoffs, but this dumb motherfucker drafts a kicker in the 5th round every year and relies on Russel Wilson to carry him into the playoffs. I guess sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Michelle is one of the better FF players in our league, but Toothless must have taken all of his luck and shit on him because that skinny bitch has more injuries than the San Diego LA Chargers. With that, I have him ranked #4.
To The Champ, I want to take in this year in and enjoy it as much as possible. God himself will not be able to stop me from dethroning you. The fire that is burning in my balls is thanks to you, and that one 21 year old, giving me a drive I haven’t felt since I was trying to fuck Shit Balls’ mom. Best lay ever.
The Ranking is pretty simple, but I also wanted to add who had the toughest upcoming schedule. So here is some data I got from math.
| Team | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 | Week 6 | Week 7 | |
| Toothless | 5.33 | 4.67 | 6.67 | 8.66 | 6.33 | 4.67 | 7.33 | |
| Champ | 4.67 | 5.66 | 5.33 | 6.67 | 7.33 | 5.33 | 5.66 | |
| Lrg Dick | 8.66 | 2.67 | 5.66 | 6.33 | 6.67 | 2.67 | 8.66 | |
| Dex | 3 | 5.33 | 7.33 | 5.66 | 8.66 | 5.66 | 5.33 | |
| 2.67 | 4.67 | 3 | 7.33 | 5.66 | 3 | 4.67 | ||
| Shit Balls | 7.33 | 3 | 4.67 | 4.67 | 5.33 | 4.67 | 3 | |
| Michelle | 6.67 | 7.33 | 8.66 | 4.67 | 2.67 | 8.66 | 6.67 | |
| Bread | 6.33 | 8.66 | 2.67 | 3 | 4.67 | 7.33 | 6.33 | |
| Owen W | 5.66 | 6.33 | 4.67 | 5.33 | 3 | 6.67 | 2.67 | |
| Newbie | 4.67 | 6.67 | 6.33 | 2.67 | 4.67 | 6.33 | 4.67 | |
| Team | Week 8 | Week 9 | Week 10 | Week 11 | Week 12 | Week 13 | AVG | 10=easy 1=hard |
| Toothless | 8.66 | 6.67 | 5.66 | 6.33 | 4.67 | 3 | 6.05 | 10 |
| Champ | 4.67 | 8.66 | 7.33 | 4.67 | 6.33 | 2.67 | 5.767692 | 9 |
| Lrg Dick | 6.67 | 6.33 | 4.67 | 3 | 7.33 | 5.33 | 5.742308 | 8 |
| Dex | 3 | 7.33 | 4.67 | 6.67 | 2.67 | 6.33 | 5.510769 | 7 |
| 7.33 | 5.66 | 6.33 | 8.66 | 6.67 | 4.67 | 5.409231 | 4 | |
| Shit Balls | 6.33 | 5.33 | 2.67 | 7.33 | 8.66 | 6.67 | 5.358462 | 3 |
| Michelle | 5.66 | 4.67 | 5.33 | 2.67 | 3 | 4.67 | 5.486923 | 6 |
| Cooper | 4.67 | 2.67 | 8.66 | 4.67 | 5.33 | 5.66 | 5.434615 | 5 |
| Owen W | 5.33 | 4.67 | 3 | 5.66 | 4.67 | 8.66 | 5.101538 | 1 |
| Newbie | 2.67 | 3 | 6.67 | 5.33 | 5.66 | 7.33 | 5.128462 | 2 |
It is pretty obvious that the highest ranked person would have the easiest schedule since said person never has to play himself. Reddit and Shit Balls have the toughest schedule as they are the first to break the correlation of highest ranking = easiest schedule. Michelle and Bread are on the opposite side with the easiest schedule given their ranking. I’m sure Reddit will use this info for the upcoming season to bitch at every chance he gets.
“Dex didn’t set the schedule right. If I only played Newbie and Owen W I would go undefeated. This year doesn’t count because my uterus won’t stop bleeding.” -Future Reddit.
Hey, Reddit do me a favor and go FUCK yourself.
Strap up boys, because Football is back and my nipples have never been harder.
-Dex
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