I don’t know why my brain works the way it does, but here’s what it has to offer today. I’m dog sitting for some friends and had the usual check up text “How’s the dog?“. Told them we had a rough first night, but everything was fine for the most part. Boyfriend of the duo jokingly asked me if I sang their dog a bedtime song. Responding like any sane human would I said, “No but we did watch Back Door Sluts 7: Always Salt Your Sidewalks”. Firstly that is an incredible title for a porno and secondly I actually wrote the script it in my head, but we’ll save that topic for another day. Somehow the idea of this porno brought up an interesting thought.. Who in my friend group would I date if I was a woman? Vice Versa who would I date if I was gay? And of course the only logical thing to do is talk about it on the internet.
Let’s start with Dex as a woman, and for the sake of things, my female name would be Rose. Slutty yet eloquent. For Rose, my choice in partners would undoubtedly be my friend Curved Dick. CD and I get along well and are able to talk multiple times a day. We laugh, we cry, we fight and we love. Imagine P.S. I Love You without Gerard Butler dying… SPOILERS! Sorry. CD has a stable job, works out, sexy AF, phat ass, can cook a steak that will make a nun quiver and most of all his GF states he throws that good D. I should mention he is losing his hair, but has big enough balls that he just shaved it down and said YOLO. Take note gentleman, confidence is all you need… and maybe a good job, work out, sexy AF, phat ass, can cook and dick down well. But what do I know?
Now on to my gay crush of the group. This decision was much more difficult because gay Dex would have dipped his hand in the cookie jar for all of his friends. But we can only have one winner and that winner is Bread. Gay Dex is very similar to straight Dex, so our taste in significant others wouldn’t change much. I don’t fully understand what that says about me or Bread. He would easily be the feminine counterpart in this relationship. Yes yes all you feminist out there I get it, women can be the “man” in the relationship also. But for the sake of my blog let’s just agree that more women act like women than men do. And for the men who act like women, good for you. So back to my lovely Bread. Like a nice sourdough, Bread is a mix of all the things you want in your future butt buddy. Bread takes living a healthy lifestyle very seriously and makes sure the people around him do the same. Except for alcohol and in that sense he drinks like my father, aggressively. Can you say hashtag daddy issues? Cleanliness is key and Bread never has a dirty dick. He lets me take lead in most things which helps tame my macho bravado. I like to imagine in some alternate universe Bread and I are the happy gay couple on the block, were all the desperate housewives like to gab and drink mojitos with. What a simpler life that would be.
Honorable mention.
Our lovely Shitballs, Editor-In-Chief, was considered for both positions. The problem is that SB and myself are very similar and I could not date myself. Not sure how anyone else could either, but here’s to girls with bad judgment. Dating someone who is just the better version of me sounds miserable so I quickly cut him from the list. I think in both scenarios SB and I would hook up all the time and flirt with the idea of dating, but know it would never work out. And for that I would ride SB’s dick like SeaBiscuit in the Kentucky fucking Derby until I found my perfect soulmate.
-Dex
Dex Might Know 
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